Author Topic: Ask smegal  (Read 13827 times)

Offline Smegal

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Ask smegal
« on: Wed, 2006-02-01, 03:22:19 »
I'm offering anyone out there to share their problems with me.

I may not be able to sort them out but i'll give a dam good solution!
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Offline johninblack

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #1 on: Wed, 2006-02-01, 05:23:04 »
There's this bloke called Smegal wants a lift to Rotherham but I don't think he lives anywhere near me and besides I am worried that he might attempt to corrupt the young mind of my daughter, what should I do?

Worried from Norwich.

Offline Smegal

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #2 on: Wed, 2006-02-01, 15:18:22 »
Well i suggest adding a bit of lavinder oil to your bath to begin with.

When calm explain that you are unable to take him to rotherham but take caution he my be slightly unstable. I don't think your daughter has anything to worry about on the curruption front this smegal guy sounds too ugly to even have a conversation with a lady.
« Last Edit: Thu, 2006-02-02, 01:42:35 by Smegal »
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Offline johninblack

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #3 on: Wed, 2006-02-01, 15:44:38 »
I'll try that! ;D ;D ;D

Offline PH

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #4 on: Wed, 2006-02-01, 17:38:21 »
I'm offering anyone out there to share their problems with me.

I may not be able to sort them out but i'll give a dam good solution!

I have a problem:
When I keep a smile spread wide across my face, my head splits in half.
Also when I try to wash away the dust from my hands (because I was sitting on a pile of stones the whole day) I saw a creation from the sky. Could it be a dream of paradise?

Offline Smegal

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #5 on: Thu, 2006-02-02, 01:26:25 »
For a start don't worry my friend lots of people have this problem.

All you need do is massage some coconut milk into your left arm then the dream of paradise* you refer to will no longer be a dream.





*please note. Different people have different forms of paradise
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Offline PH

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #6 on: Thu, 2006-02-02, 07:25:39 »
Thanks man.
I want to try it out, but I have no coconut milk, so I'm gonna use buttermilk.
Thanks anyway.

Offline Smegal

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #7 on: Tue, 2006-02-07, 15:55:26 »
Ok but remember buttermilk will have to be rubbed into your right arm for the desired effect.
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Offline keyboardistmatt

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #8 on: Tue, 2006-02-07, 20:54:34 »
I keep getting Toucan Telecom calling me up telling me they can save me money by charging me extra on my phone bill to run my bill through them. 

I keep politely telling them that I am not interested, but I am afraid I cannot hold my patience for much longer. 

I don't want to have to give them a fair old pasting with my favorite right hand...

 :-\
...Is this just a dream I'm in?

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Offline PH

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #9 on: Mon, 2006-02-20, 11:40:28 »
It seems that guru Smegal is not present here...
I want to act in his absence but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to.

I read Smegal's latest book 'How to cook squirrels', and the 3rd book of his bibliography called 'The clumsy magican and the foolish ways of knowledge' so I know something about society, but...

I'm looking forward to the upcoming 'The weather and unpredictable accidents', when is it coming out Smegal?

Offline Smegal

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #10 on: Wed, 2006-02-22, 16:40:42 »
I keep getting Toucan Telecom calling me up telling me they can save me money by charging me extra on my phone bill to run my bill through them. 

I keep politely telling them that I am not interested, but I am afraid I cannot hold my patience for much longer. 

I don't want to have to give them a fair old pasting with my favorite right hand...

 :-\

Yes this is quite a common occurance.

There is a simple explaination next time you are hounded by these people all you have to do is squirt lemon juice in your eyes while screaming the word 'monkey' at the top of your voice this will give you the upper hand!! another advantage to this method is now you are able to sue them for causing you to harm yourself.

More tips can be found in my new book 'fruit fix's fact or fiction' already a best seller
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Offline Smegal

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #11 on: Wed, 2006-02-22, 16:44:34 »
I'm looking forward to the upcoming 'The weather and unpredictable accidents', when is it coming out Smegal?
[/quote]

Due to the govenment banning my first print there will be a short delay as i have to re-write the chapter about earthquakes and shudders in the bedroom.

I believe it should be out early march
« Last Edit: Sun, 2006-02-26, 02:11:06 by Smegal »
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Offline PH

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #12 on: Mon, 2006-05-01, 14:11:52 »
Another couple of questions for Smegal:

1. Where are you?
2. Have you heard anything about Kino splitting up? I hate to ask this question, but it's one of those rumours you hear...
3. I bought your shoes from Clive, can I get them?
4. What should I do, put my watch on my left arm or on my right arm?
5. I'm hungry, I want a cheese sandwich, but there's no cheese. The supermarket is 10 minutes walking from here and I'm lazy. I absolutely DON'T want anything else, I want the cheese sandwich. Any advice?

Thanks in advance.

Offline keyboardistmatt

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #13 on: Fri, 2006-05-12, 15:22:25 »
3. I bought your shoes from Clive, can I get them?

What the F***??  ???
...Is this just a dream I'm in?

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Offline Smegal

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #14 on: Wed, 2006-05-31, 18:32:20 »
1. I am currently in paris with pendragon
2. its a secret witch a can't even reveal at this moment in time
3. you can have my shoes if you come to my pub
4. work out if your watch right or left handed then sod that just wear it on your right anyway
5. Take your socks off and put them between 2 piece's of bread that should satisfy all your cheese cravings 
Another couple of questions for Smegal:

1. Where are you?
2. Have you heard anything about Kino splitting up? I hate to ask this question, but it's one of those rumours you hear...
3. I bought your shoes from Clive, can I get them?
4. What should I do, put my watch on my left arm or on my right arm?
5. I'm hungry, I want a cheese sandwich, but there's no cheese. The supermarket is 10 minutes walking from here and I'm lazy. I absolutely DON'T want anything else, I want the cheese sandwich. Any advice?

Thanks in advance.
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Offline PH

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #15 on: Wed, 2006-05-31, 19:14:54 »
Ahh you're back! That's just great...

No really!

Offline johninblack

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #16 on: Wed, 2006-05-31, 19:39:35 »
Hi Smegal, are you gonna be with pendragon in Sheffield or is gollum gonna be there in your place?

Offline Herben

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #17 on: Tue, 2006-08-01, 20:03:55 »
Hi Smegal, are you gonna be with pendragon in Sheffield or is gollum gonna be there in your place?
Which one do You prefer?
Walk along the Waterfall, watching as the world turns red
Wonder where the river flows, and the blood on the River bed
Poison lies to close to us, Reach across the salt and Sand
Moving Deeper into the Land

Offline johninblack

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #18 on: Tue, 2006-08-01, 20:08:12 »
Which one do You prefer?

Oh Smegal, he has a far looser attitude than Gollum, Gollum is just too serious.

Offline Herben

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #19 on: Tue, 2006-08-01, 20:14:46 »
Oh Smegal, he has a far looser attitude than Gollum, Gollum is just too serious.
And less agressive too maybe
Walk along the Waterfall, watching as the world turns red
Wonder where the river flows, and the blood on the River bed
Poison lies to close to us, Reach across the salt and Sand
Moving Deeper into the Land

Offline Appelmoes??

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #20 on: Tue, 2006-08-01, 20:38:08 »
And less agressive too maybe
But Smeagol díd kill Deagol before he got The One Ring :o

Offline Herben

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #21 on: Tue, 2006-08-01, 23:16:12 »
But Smeagol díd kill Deagol before he got The One Ring :o
That was because he was obsessed by the ring in fact he already was Gollum there already
Walk along the Waterfall, watching as the world turns red
Wonder where the river flows, and the blood on the River bed
Poison lies to close to us, Reach across the salt and Sand
Moving Deeper into the Land

Offline Peter

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #22 on: Wed, 2006-08-02, 10:25:10 »
That was because he was obsessed by the ring in fact he already was Gollum there already

Yes, in a way. If you define "being Gollum" with "being under the control of the Ring". Not physically, though, and also not concerning the schizophrenic type of behaviour he develops later on.
The King is dead, so worship me!

Offline Herben

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #23 on: Wed, 2006-08-02, 14:20:17 »
Yes, in a way. If you define "being Gollum" with "being under the control of the Ring". Not physically, though, and also not concerning the schizophrenic type of behaviour he develops later on.
Maybe why don't we ask smeagal himself if he's here
Walk along the Waterfall, watching as the world turns red
Wonder where the river flows, and the blood on the River bed
Poison lies to close to us, Reach across the salt and Sand
Moving Deeper into the Land

Offline PH

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Re: Ask smegal
« Reply #24 on: Wed, 2006-08-02, 14:36:03 »
Yeah, Smegal was gone, then he came back again and now he's gone again...
Come back Smegal! We need your help sooooooo much!